I’m a survivor. I’m a survivor who’s been really public about the things I’ve been through, because I am at a place in my healing where I feel comfortable doing so and because I think survivors telling our stories is incredibly important. Silence is where pain and abuse thrive, and this is a…
so i went to the RVIVR show at the cambridge elks lodge yesterday, and it was horrible.
during their set, the female lead singer took it upon herself to talk about this zine that was on the merch table — i don’t remember the name, it’s not important — but apparently, it was an anonymous zine…
This is Erica from RVIVR, this thread has just been brought to my attention.
Trigger Warning: I reference sexual assault in this post.
First of all, I sincerely apologize that what I said on the mic brought hurtful feelings to anyone at the Boston show, especially survivors and including allies. This was not my intention and that this was a result of my words is devastating.
The zine I referenced was called “How to Find a Therapist”, it was in a collection of consent-themed zines laid out by someone related to the show, not by us, RVIVR.
My intention was to draw attention to a resource for people who may be confused/clueless/scared about how to proceed, responsibly, into and through an accountability process for their actions. Specifically the common request to “get therapy.” Especially since it’s not the responsibility of a survivor to educate or hold someone’s hand through such a process.
I understand that the part where I said something along the lines of “it is brave to write an anonymous zine, to take accountability for fucking up” sounds apologist. This was not my intention.
"Brave", is too powerful of a word. What I meant was, this is a rare example of someone speaking out as a perpetrator IN FAVOR of accountability. I think examples and models of behavior are very important. Our stage banter is not scripted and I wasn’t as eloquent as I wish I could be. I put my foot in my mouth.
It IS hard to take accountability for fucking up, whether it’s something giant like a sexual assault or something trivial like messing up and hurting a friend’s feelings.
We, RVIVR, recently heard a statistic that you can reference here about the horrifying number of people (of varied genders, I believe in the United States) aged 14-21 who have perpetuated or tried to perpetuate sexual assault. According to this statistic it’s 1 in 10. In my head, with this statistic, this means that we are living in a wounded community of survivors AND perpetrators. In my head, this calls for action to incite change, movement, real accountability. That was my intention.
I apologize that my words brought pain and brought up trauma.
If anyone would feel less intimidated having a private conversation, my email is email@example.com
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
hey this is bex from rvivr. i just saw these posts and wanted to respond.
trigger warning, i talk about sexual assault and rape in this post.
sexual assault is so incredibly prevalent. based on statistics, we know that in any given crowded room at a punk show, a huge number of people in the room will have been assaulted/abused, and a huge number will be people who have assaulted/abused someone else. we gotta be talking about this, and it is hard to talk about without someone being triggered.
that said, i am incredibly sad to hear that what erica said on the mic at the show in boston was so triggering for some of the people who were in attendance. like erica says above, it wasn’t as eloquent as it could have been, and i also am very sorry for the pain and trauma that those comments brought up. that sucks and i am sorry.
i flipped through the zine in question before we played (it was titled something like “how to find a therapist” - maybe it was out of a larger compilation? i am not actually sure who was tabling with the zine collection or how to track this zine down). it was written anonymously by someone who has committed sexual assault, about their experience trying to find a therapist to get help, and tips for other perpetrators trying to find a therapist.
when i flipped through this zine, i thought “wow, this is cool”. i had that reaction both a survivor of sexual assault and as someone who has been a part of trying (unsuccessfully) to get perpetrators of sexual and emotional abuse/violence in my community to be held accountable for their actions.
sexual assault won’t ever be prevented if we never address those who assault. abusers and assaulters must stop, and they don’t stop unless they have help. we live in a sick broken society that rapes and teaches rape. it is so easy for people who have assaulted to just slip out of one punk community, queer community, relationship, etc, and into another one. down the street or across the country. it is easy for abusers to just move along and repeat the same fucked up behavior somewhere else.
we gotta talk about this shit. the zine that erica mentioned at the show captured one example of someone trying to figure out how to stop their pattern of behavior. that person is not a fucking hero, they don’t deserve anyone’s respect or accolades for going through an accountability process, but they DID write a zine that shows a good example for people looking for ways to change behavior and stop assaulting/abusing.
i am very sorry that people at the show were triggered by the comments erica made, AND i am happy that the zine exists, was at the show, and that erica mentioned it.
i deeply wish that the person who raped me when i was a fucking 15 year old baby would have seen this zine at a punk show when he was a teenager. maybe he would have recognized himself in there, and seen a way to get help. maybe he has. i haven’t talked to or seen that person a decade, but i still feel a sick nervousness that i might run into him whenever i go to olympia for band practice or meetings or shows. hopefully i’ll never see him again and never find out if he’s changed. he’s a shitbag and the shit he did to me is fucked up whether he ever changes or not. whether he goes to therapy or not. whatever! he’s a fuckhead. i don’t give a shit about him BUT i sure fucking wish that a zine collection about consent, sexual assault, accountability, finding a therapist, etc, had been available at shows i went to when i was younger.
i didn’t read the whole zine, i am not vouching for the content or the person who wrote it and i definitely don’t think the author should be given a standing ovation for working on their shit. but i do think that sexual assault has to be talked about, and that there have to be examples around for the huge fucking numbers of people who have or will assault or abuse.
so that’s what i gotta say for the moment. thanks for reading it. i know it’s kind of long and rambling but this brings up a lot of heavy shit for me - being accused of being a rape apologist as someone who has been through that kind of sexual violence really really fucking hurts.
this is my apology for the fact that our comments triggered people, and this is my two cents on why it is so fucking crucial that we all continue talking about this, between individuals, at shows, in our lives and relationships and communities. we are in a fucking hurt and broken world and shit’s gotta change.
if anyone wants to talk with me more about it you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Here are some helpful definitions that we will be going over at our workshop on Safer Spaces/Safer Shows at FMLY Fest on Friday July 5 @ the Democracy Center in Cambridge, MA. We hope to see you there!
I need feminism because it shouldn’t be “my fault” that my friend’s brother tried to rape me when I slept over.
your heroic US military
Fifteen rape victims have formed martial arts movement and are prepared to confront abusers if no one listens to their complaints…A GROUP of women are fighting back against the sickening culture of rape which they say infects India. Fifteen determined females – all victims themselves – have trained in martial arts and are prepared to hand out rough justice if no one listens to their complaints. And the movement, called the Red Brigade, is growing rapidly following the gang rape and murder of medical student Jyoti Singh Pandey that horrified the world.In a nation where a woman is reportedly raped every 20 minutes, the group’s leader Usha Vishwakarma said: “We are fighting back – and the boot is now on the other foot.” Member Sufia Hashmi, 17, said: “We’ve caught a lot of men recently. I joined because men always used to pass comments on me and touch my body but now we beat them and they run.”Like the other members in the northern city of Lucknow, 25- year-old Usha has first-hand experience of the daily dangers women face in the huge nation – a teacher tried to rape her when she was 18. She said: “He grabbed me and tried to open my trousers. I kicked him in the crotch and ran.” Usha complained to staff but they told her to forget it and allowed her attacker to carry on teaching. She said: “Many parents tell girls to quit school so there will be no sexual violence. But we said no – this has to stop. We decided to form a group to fight for ourselves, not just complain.”MORE
|Rape Culture:||If a woman drinks alcohol and gets raped, it's partially her fault. If you don't want to get raped, you shouldn't be drinking.|
|Men at bars:||Can I buy you a drink?|
|Men at bars:||What the fuck, why not? Come on. Come ON, let me buy you some alcohol. God, I was being nice. Why would you turn down my generous offer? I guess chivalry really is dead. What a bitch.|